Heya party peoples!

What’s good in the hood?

Well as some might have noticed my updates are few and far between. . . I still love art, I’m still drawing and my creativity is in full swing.

The thing is that my art has become extremely personal, I’ve sort of left the fanart phase and I’m entering one that reflects the inner workings of my soul.
And honestly, I don’t want to post my soul on the internet.

It’s nothing personal . . . Well actually its extremely personal and that’s why I just can’t find the will to post anything.

For some reason, at this point and time in my life, I’m having real difficulty finding myself.
I love art. I always will. But the thing is lately I’ve been questioning if this is really what I want to do with my life.

I’ve always talked about becoming an art teacher, and being a voice actor on the side. But I’m just not sure anymore.

I look at the people, no the artists around me and see all these beautiful pieces of art. All the hard work they’re putting in to what they love, what I love. Then I look at my own work and I’m not satisfied. I can’t help but compare my work to there’s and this is what scares me.

It’s so much better than mine.

I’m just not sure if I’m good enough, if I have what it takes to be a good artist.

I hate myself for doing this. I look at my friends work and I’ll get jealous, envious that she can produce one amazing thing after another, and I can’t.

I could work harder, and I try I really do. It just never seems to be enough.

I’ve just about lost the will to do most everything. My grades are slipping. My art is not all it can be. I sit at home doing nothing when I should be with friends or doing homework or working out or drawing.

Everything is complicated.

I feel like I can see that light at the end of the tunnel, it’s so close I can almost feel the warmth of the light’s rays on my face. Just when I’m about to reach it my foot gets caught on something, I can’t get free. As I sit there struggling to get my foot free from whatever has ensnared it, the light fades away. Then my foot is free. Should I run towards the light again? I can still see it even though it’s much further away now. What if my foot gets caught again? Do I really want to go through the same disappointment again?
So I sit there in the dark confused and disappointed, not sure what to do.



But that’s how I’m always feeling now a days. Confused and disappointed.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I hate that I don’t know.

And I hate myself when I get so angry over the tiniest things. I’m starting to think I have anger management issues.

Every day I get closer and closer to kicking a certain someone’s ass.

Anger is such a thoughtless emotion, I’ve never felt anger like this before . . . Its more like blind rage actually.
Nothing else matters, the only thing you can feel or focus on is the fury that’s raging its self through your body and senses.
All rational thought leaves your head, and the sudden urge to destroy, ravish and kill the object of your rage is the only thing left.

I’m not sure which emotion I dislike more. Anger or depression.
Anger takes away the pain of everything else, but turns you into a mindless animal.
Depression feels like all the pain is stabbing you all at once, but your sanity remains intact.

I just don’t know.

Can you believe that after all that I remain completely optimistic? I know that deep down, one day I won’t be so confused, and that everything will suddenly become very clear.

I won’t be angry, I won’t be depressed, and everything will fall into its proper place very nicely.

I can’t figure it out, I have no idea how I can be so utterly lost but still remain one hundred percent hopeful that life will turn out ok.

Oh and if you do figure it out could you fill me in please?